Building Rapport or how to get along with someone you dislike...

We all have them: people we dislike!

Ever felt like putting that on the desk of a
co-worker, boss, customer or supplier? Well,
here's something to help you cope!

Whatever the reason, we all have people we just cannot seem to get along. They push our buttons, they bully us, they oppose us every step of the way or - worst of all - we don't even know, we just don't like them, or they us (which is pretty much the same thing).

And as things are in a species which mimics each others emotional states, if you don't like me, I won't like you! It's that simple.

In our private lives we often have a choice. We can walk away from friendships going pear shape, we can divorce a partner who turned out to be a sour grape and we can move away or ignore neighbors that bother us.

But at work? Well, seems you're kinda stuck with that idiot from finance, not to mention the moron down in production that just loves to give you a hard time, oh and that bullying boss of yours? Stuck! The douchebag that is your most important client? Stuck!

Sure, you can change jobs, but trust me, where there are humans there will be douchebags, morons & idiots!

So what do you do? How do you cope with such people?

You could try the ostrich approach, but I have a feeling that isn't going to work. At least not with those colleagues, suppliers and customers you actually have to do work with!

Ever felt like sending this to your boss?

So what else can you do?

Here's a little something I learned ages ago. It's a method called the 6Rs

Rapport
Reduce
Re-assure
Recognize
Relax
Remove

It's a method used to get people who "could" help you / work with you  do so although they don't want to. And it is the first step that is the most important one of them all: to build rapport.

Not being liked is usually mutual. You don't like me so I don't like you (it's hard to like someone who dislikes you) So how do you change that back?

Well, the first step is to force yourself to sit down with said individual and get to know hir. That could be over a cup of coffee or lunch or whatever. Use that time to find out ANYTHING that you have in common: you both like the movies, you both love the same football club, you both love Thailand, you both collect stamps, you've both been in the same battalion or you've both given birth to boys on the same day (I mean literally ANYTHING).

Because here's the trick. Our minds are really funny that way. We are a bit black/white, 0/1, on/off. We have a tendency to split things into two. And either you like movies or you don't. And if you do, you're on my team, if not, your loss (like you less) We do that for everything in our lives.

Now with people we like very very much, we have heaps of oversight with all the weird choices they make in life that we disagree with (because we like them and tend to disregard the odd stuff), but with people we don't like, we only see what we dislike, so we have to actively learn to find out what we have in common.

Yeah, common ground ahead!?!

Let's assume, for argument's sake, you LOVE coins. You've collected coins ever since you could put them in your mouth, and your super proud of the sizable collection of coins from all over the world you have invested a larger fortune in. (You can substitute this with just about ANYthing you love to do)

Let us assume, for the same argument's sake, that said douche bag you have coffee with, also has a coin collection (or whatever else you prefer to do)

MAGIC: your brain will never ever be able to see douche bag the same way again! A coin collecting douche bag? Unheard of! We must re-shuffle our opinion. We cannot dislike someone who shares our bestest, daily hobby. We just can't!

(the same thought pattern will simultaneously take place in douche bag's mind)

And there you are, disliking each other just a little less. You have started to build rapport, you have made a first tentative connection and you can now start to build a productive relationship based on that.

Oh yes! You better mean it or your relationship is going
from bad to worse, or even worse!

This is going to take some time, but if you keep at it, if you meet regularly with your new coin-collecting friend, maybe take hir to a coin-collecting fair or bring a few treasured items to show etc. you might actually make a friend.

Whatever common ground you find: psychologically, we cannot dislike people who are as we are (unless you are seriously disturbed!) We just can't. Nature has made sure of that. And that is the trick you must use to overcome those differences.

It's hard work and you must keep at it and not just build your relationship on just one commonality, but work at it, find more common ground and why not use the 6R to do that. On Monday I'll explain the rest of the method, which I've found extremely useful, particularly when you work with people who do not report to you directly!

Have a good week-end!